Breaking News: The disturbing truth of the Pony Express’s Editor-in-Chiefs

CAMMIE RICHARDS | Graphics Editor

To many, Stillwater Area High School’s student newspaper, the Pony Express, is an extremely successful publication, but that success is a cover for the terrible control issues and personality flaws of the paper’s Editorial Board members. Ranging from delusions to romantic drama, the seven seniors that make up the board can only hide so much from the public eye. This article reveals the truths and faces of the Pony Express Editor-in-Chiefs.

The person to start with is the group’s "sweetheart" with a hidden dark side. Mara Jezior, one of the Online Editor-in-Chiefs, is seen by most people as kind, but sources say that she will also break into random psychopathic rants and dances that can be interpreted in many different ways, but are mostly dangerous. The worst case recorded was when she drank an entire energy drink… the results were not pretty and the body had to be hidden.

Even though they are only teenagers, Christine Myers and Erin Gaides, the Print Editor-in-Chiefs, have managed to become married. It is unclear as to whether or not their parents agree to this joining. Myers’ bossy and motherly attitude coupled with Gaides’ constant discussions on bodily functions make it clear who is the "wife" and "husband" in this partnership. However, it is yet to be seen if they will ever make it due to one major factor in their relationship: Myers hates the fact that Gaides always sings off key, but sings off key herself as well.

With three of the editors covered, a reader may find themselves at the base of an intimidating mountain: Steffi Vestal. Vestal is the other Online Editor-in-Chief with Jezior, and her problems are just as under-the-radar as her partner’s. The one easiest to diagnose deals with her cat, Kitty, whom she talks to like she would any normal human. Although there is no doubt this is a problem, many are unsure whether this means Vestal is just delusional, or if it means she is a witch and actually talking in code to her familiar. Vestal’s over-extensive vocabulary and many threats to beat members of staff may make a casual observer lean towards the second option.

Before this story had begun, it was deliberated whether or not there actually was a Niki Diethert in Pony Express, or if she was just an elaborate hoax played by the other editors. Through extensive research it was confirmed that she really does exist. Diethert just embodies the true meaning of "It’s always the quiet ones," as was revealed by some anonymous sources. These same sources also revealed that she has a chronic case of the Rude virus, whose symptoms lie in making situations awkward on purpose, farting loudly and overly using the viral "your mom" joke. It was suggested by a specialist that you "be careful around these people as the virus isn’t always spread, it has the ability to spread quickly if it gets out of hand."

While Walker Nyenhuis, the Visual Arts Editor, may get things done in everything he participates in. Many characters in these activities are often left hanging as Nyenhuis is "never there". One source suggested this might be due to his unfortunate condition of not being able to manage his time very well. When he is present at activities with the Pony Express, there are always arguments about music between him and other staff members. These obvious disruptions of the Pony Express’s perfect work ethic are especially obvious during the Layout meetings for the paper, where Nyenhuis also edits every page, despite his inability to use the Pagemaker program.

Luckily for six of the seven Editor-in-Chiefs, their conditions can either be managed, treated or ignored. The future is not as bright for the last Editorial Board member: Ian Gorodisher, the Business Manager. Due to the distance between them, Gorodisher’s Polish girlfriend is unable to have any positive effects on Gorodisher’s horrid sense of style or his troubled personality. He is unfortunately completely delusional in his belief that he is a "ladies’ man" and "hot stuff". This problem is contracted at conception and has been coined ‘Arrogance’. It is sadly, as of now, untreatable. Along with the Arrogance, Gorodisher has an unhealthy obsession with blonde older women; it is unclear how his girlfriend feels about that obsession.

Despite the disturbing problems that lie in personalities and lives of the Pony Express’s Editorial Board, the seven members are able to manage the student newspaper for SAHS. Some speculate that the Editors’ flaws revealed in this article are necessary for positions like those on the Board. Until future Editor-in-Chiefs are investigated, such a claim will hopefully be proved false in order to save the sanity of the Pony Express and its staff.